It's some sort of miracle, definitely
by AwkwardDalek
Summary: Human AU. A series of one shots depicting the gang running a bar. "It's cause to celebrate, trust me. Although god only knows what they are mixing up back there. I wouldn't recommend accepting it," Tony advised, wondering why his friends seemed so determined to end someone's life. Honestly, it was incredibly worrying.


There were a lot of great things about owning a bar. It was easy to pick up people, you got free alcohol, and you got to watch some of the most annoying people in the world drink themselves stupid and know that they were going to wake up with the worst hangover in the world.

Okay, technically Tony wasn't supposed to take free alcohol but he'd put most of the money into this bar so he felt like he was allowed to have a free drink every now and again. It was only ever a problem when the other's found out and it wasn't like he'd go out of his way to tell them.

Last time he'd taken a free drink, Natasha had punched him the face, Clint had banned him from the bar, Pepper had forced him to go to every single meeting he had, and Bruce had just laughed.

Good old Bruce.

Tony felt that their reactions were always a bit extreme but then they were all very serious about their alcohol. It could get pretty ugly around here some nights.

"Tony, that guy has been eyeing you for over half an hour now," Clint informed him as he poured what looked suspiciously like a 'Black Widow' which Tony had thought they'd banned after nearly giving someone alcohol poisoning. He wasn't sure what went into that drink, Natasha had thought it up once so for all he knew it was filled with poison.

He wasn't about to try it and find out.

"What, the dark haired guy?" Tony asked, looking over his shoulder at Clint who nodded his head as he finished mixing the drink.

"He's the one that ordered this," Clint said as he held up the Black Widow drink with a grimace. "I made him sign all the legal crap. Don't want to be sued again." Then he turned Tony around, shoving the drink into his hands with only a small amount of spillage as Tony made a indignant sound. "Go get 'em."

Tony walked over to the dark haired man, muttering a 'bastard' under his breath before setting the drink down in front of the man with a smirk. "Here you go. Do you have a death wish of some kind?"

"Funny, your friend asked me the same question," the man muttered, taking hold of the drink and studying it silently.

"Natasha invented that drink. We have every reason to be worried."

After a few minutes, Tony raised an eyebrow at the man who was still staring at his drink. "You realise you're supposed to drink it."

The man gave him an annoyed look before raising the glass to his lips and taking a gulp.

Tony stared at him, slightly in awe but also slightly worried because the man then proceeded to drink down the whole glass in one go. It wasn't exactly a small glass, either. "Woah buddy, slow down."

"Why? It's not that bad," the man replied, placing the glass on the counter before pushing himself into a standing position, only wobbling slightly.

"I'm not sure I can really let you leave, mate."

The man snorted, turning away. "Good luck trying to stop me," he said, shrugging on his jacket and walking out of the bar without another word.

"Well," Clint muttered from behind, making Tony jump. "That was fucking weird."

"How long have you been standing there?" Tony asked, still staring at the space the man had been sat, reasonably confused.

"The whole time, of course."

"Think he'll last the night?" Asked another voice and, confused, Tony turned around to see Bruce standing beside Clint, drying a glass.

Tony wondered if he should be annoyed that his friends had a tendency to spy on him. They were also taking bets on how long it was going to take for one of his one night stands to come back and murder him.

Pepper had been far too eager to join in with that one.

"Well if he doesn't, I say we let Clint take the blame," Tony said cheerfully only to have Clint slap him round the head.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Pretty sure Natasha just gave that poor guy nightmares for the rest of his life."

Bruce and Tony were sat at a spare table, currently on their break, watching from afar as Natasha spoke to a blonde guy who had gone a worrying shade of red. Blushing that hard could not be healthy.

"She'd have the same effect on you if you didn't know her," Tony commented, eyeing the blonde guy with curiosity. He didn't seem like the type to go to a bar, let alone get hopelessly drunk which was pretty much the only reason people ever came here."What do you think he's doing here?"

"His friends dragged him out. A guy called Bucky is getting married."

Bruce and Tony looked up to see Pepper who had slid into a spare seat, watching her girlfriend and the poor soul that had got caught in her web.

"He was eyeing me up, apparently, so now Natasha has cornered him."

"Playing over protective girlfriend is she?" Tony asked mockingly, only flinching slightly when Pepper glared at him. Pepper's glare was honestly terrifying and it had taken him years to grow used to it. It was the sort of glare that could make puppies cry.

"Ha, I think it would be easier on the boy if she was," Pepper snorted, shaking her head.

"I don't think I want to know," Bruce laughed, nodding his head in Natasha's direction. "Not that it matters, it's Clint to the rescue," he grinned, watching as Clint walked over to the pair, smiling apologetically at the man as he whispered something in Natasha's ear and dragged her away.

"Poor guy is going to need a drink," Bruce said, raising an eyebrow at Tony expectantly.

Tony shook his head, pointing a finger at Bruce. "Hell no don't even think about! I've had enough of our crazy clientèle after yesterday's weird encounter."

"It wasn't that strange," Bruce reasoned, shrugging as he leaned back in his chair.

"Didn't the guy drink a whole Black Widow in one go?" Pepper asked, running a hand through her hair. "I'd say that's pretty weird."

"If Pepper thinks it's strange then it's strange. Her word is law!" Tony said triumphantly, pushing back his chair and standing up. He turned around, intending to walk off only to walk into the dark haired man from yesterday.

"Mind where you're going you little – oh, it's you." The man looked at him, his expression going from rage to indifference in a matter of seconds.

When Bruce looked up and saw who it was, he grinned brightly. "Oi, Clint! He survived! Twenty bucks, please!" Bruce shouted over to where Clint was pouring someone a drink.

"Fuck, no way!" Clint shouted back, quickly handing the drink to the customer before rushing over, staring at the man. "How is this possible. Are you some sort of god?" Clint asked, sounding amazed as he prodded the man in the chest.

The man looked confused, simply shaking his head.

"Pretty sure this means you get a free drink! I'm going to see what else Natasha can mix up," Clint grinned, rubbing his hands together before running off, sounding slightly manic as he called for Natasha.

"This won't end well," Pepper sighed, standing up and following Clint to make sure the two of them didn't kill themselves. Or explode anything, that had happened once.

The man turned to Tony, eyebrows raised. "So, I get a free drink because … I didn't die?"

"It's cause to celebrate, trust me. Although god only knows what they are mixing up back there. I wouldn't recommend accepting it," Tony advised, wondering why his friends seemed so determined to end someone's life. Honestly, it was incredibly worrying.

"I wouldn't worry too much," Bruce said, standing up and patting Tony on the shoulder. "Pepper will keep an eye on them."

That seemed to cheer up Tony a little and then he nodded, grinning. "You're right! Pepper will keep them out of trouble."

Feeling like he'd been dismissed, the dark haired man edged his way around the pair and began walking away, wondering what an earth that was about when he felt someone tugging on his arm.

"Hold up!" Tony said, turning the man around. "What's your name?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Your name. What is it."

"Why do you need to know that, exactly?"

"Because Black Widow Guy is a mouthful."

The man smirked, nodding. "It's Loki."

"Loki? Well, it's original I'll give you that." Tony said, sounding rather impressed if not amused by the odd name. "See you round, Loki."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

A half empty scotch bottle was resting on the table and Tony was nursing his arm which Natasha may have possibly just broken.

"Oh stop being such a cry baby, Stark. I hardly touched you," Natasha snapped, storing away the bottle. "I can't believe you drank half of that bottle! It's not even two in the afternoon yet."

"In my defence if Clint hadn't let me in here I wouldn't have been tempted," Tony said, gesturing towards Clint.

Clint's eyes went wide as Natasha's stare turned towards him. "Fuck no, this isn't my fault."

"Clint you even drank some of it with me!"

"For fuck sake Tony, shut up!" Clint shouted, ducking as Natasha through a shot glass his way.

"You two are on bathroom duty tonight, have fun." Natasha left without another word, silently praying to find the strength to not murder her friends because some days it was just so tempting. Especially the days when Tony decided to drink half of their stock.

"Fucking toilet duty," Clint groaned, bashing his head against the wall.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"No don't you _dare _be sick in this bathroom. Go throw up outside. Go on. Shoo."

It was safe to say that putting Tony and Clint on bathroom duty was a very stupid idea. Everyone that came in here to be sick was being thrown straight back out and the people that were actually here to use the toilet were so creeped out by the men's watchful gaze that they immediately left.

Clint kept trying to justify it, saying it wasn't weird to want a clean bathroom.

Tony didn't think anyone was buying it.

When the door swung open, Clint and Tony were already prepared to throw the person straight back out. That was until they saw who it was.

"Loki!" Tony said in a sing song voice. "How nice of you to drop by."

"Is there any particular reason you two are … doing whatever this is," Loki asked, looking confused. "I've been advised to stay clear of the two creeps in the men's toilets."

"We're on bathroom duty because that idiot," Cling said, pointing at Tony, "decided he just had to drink from the bar's supplies."

"And we aren't creeps!" Tony added on quickly. "Just like a clean bathroom."

"Ah, I see. Well I'm just going to … yes." Loki walked past the two men and into a bathroom stall, wondering why he kept coming to the bar where the employees were all insane.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"So," Bruce said, leaning on the counter and looking at Loki. "You've been coming here for two months nearly every day. How have you survived drinking so many of Natasha's drinks?"

Loki shrugged as he twisted the cup in his hand, inspecting it. This was one of Natasha's newest drinks, she called it The Hulk (and Loki was starting to think that she had an unhealthy obsession with superheroes because really this was the tenth one with a superhero related name) and had been eager for him to try it.

Truthfully he felt it could do with more of a kick.

"I guess I'm just very good at handling my alcohol."

Bruce considered this for a moment before nodding slowly. "Well I guess but I mean you could easily drink more than Tony and that's saying something. Heck, you could probably out drink Natasha."

"Please don't tell them that. I don't want to be roped into another drinking contest," Loki sighed, shuddering as he remembered the last one. He'd woken up with a hangover and couldn't eat for a few hours the next day. Hardly what he'd call fun.

"Ha, like they need a reason for a drinking contest."

"Point taken."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

To say Tony was a little drunk would be the understatement of the year. It was Christmas Eve and somehow Loki had been convinced to come to their dreaded party because, according to Pepper, he was now their friend.

Tony had said he was going to teach Loki how to live.

Loki personally felt that Tony was actually trying to kill him.

"You're pretty," Tony murmured, clinging to Loki's leather jacket as the other man tried desperately to push him away.

"And you are drunk," Loki replied with a sigh, finally managing to get Tony to let go of his jacket and sit on the stool by the bar counter top.

"Yes well you're sober which is just wrong," Tony said firmly, trying to scramble over the counter top to get to the alcohol. "I'll fix that."

Loki smirked, tilting his head to the side as he watched Tony fumble for glasses and any alcohol he could get his hands on. "If Natasha knows I've let you do this she might murder me."

"Nah, Tasha likes you! She can give you her deathly drinks and you survive." Tony replied happily. "The most you'd get is like, a broken leg which is nothing really."

"How reassuring," Loki deadpanned.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Natasha swearing in Russian was a normal occurrence now. However, when Pepper started joining in you knew something was wrong.

"I can't believe you slept with him, Tony!"

"And then snuck out of his house without so much as a good bye."

"He's never going to come back here again. Who will I test my drinks on now?"

"Even I think this is pretty low."

Tony sighed, hitting his head against the table the group was currently crowded around. The bar was shut, it was early in the afternoon and apparently gang up on Tony time.

Not that he blamed them. He never did.

"Guys calm down. I know, this was shitty of me."

"Then why did you do it," hissed Natasha, looking like she was seconds away from tipping her coffee over his head.

Pepper rested a hand on Natasha's arm, silently pleading her to not murder Tony. "Maybe because he's scared of commitment," she supplied.

"You need to go apologise, Tony," Bruce said softly.

"Yeah yeah. Apologise. Got it." Tony stood up from the table, storming out of the bar.

"Well I guess it's time to find a Loki replacement."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Excuse me, may I have a Black Widow please?"

Natasha turned around, about to rant on about how she wasn't allowed to serve those to just anyone when she saw Loki sitting there.

"You came back!" She all but squealed, looking incredibly happy. "It's been months since we've seen you."

Loki just laughed, sounding slightly bitter as he nodded. "It's been a while."

"You left me without a lab rat."

"Apologies."

Natasha grinned, turning away and quickly making Loki his drink. "It's on the house. Well, Tony's paying. I'll take it out of his pay check." Then she disappeared into the back room and Loki could just make out the heated discussion which apparently included Tony who was pushed out of the room a few minutes later.

Natasha must have gotten her hands on him.

Those were definitely going to bruise.

Loki didn't have it in him to feel the least bit sorry for the man.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"I've apologised."

"Yes."

"Seven times now."

"Indeed."

"Oh come the fuck on. Surely you must know I'm sorry!" Tony was getting frustrated. He'd tried repeatedly to make it up to Loki but it seemed nothing was good enough. He was starting to run out of ideas. "Please can we be friends again?"

Loki sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He supposed it wasn't every day Tony Stark asked to be your friend. Becoming friends with Tony again would mean he'd be able to hang around with everyone else again and not feel incredibly awkward about it.

"Fine, we can be friends again."

Tony grinned, pulling Loki into a tight hug. "I knew you'd forgive me."

"Please let go. I can't breathe," Loki choked out, trying to wiggle his way out of the man's grip.

"Sorry, sorry."

"You're like a child." Loki rolled his eyes, requesting another drink (which Natasha had named Venom and honestly it was the best one yet) and wonder what his brother would say when he got home and found out he had made friends.

Loki wasn't sure he'd tell him.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Pepper was sat at the counter top beside Loki, studying him with a frown.

"What is it, Pepper?" Loki finally asked with a sigh, turning to face her. She'd been staring at him for at least ten minutes now and he wasn't too sure why but it was making him nervous.

"You slept with Tony and are still friends with him," Pepper said slowly, as if trying to work it out. "Not even friends with benefits just … friends!"

Loki looked vaguely amused as he nodded, sipping his drink. "That's exactly right, yes."

"No feelings for him?"

"None."

Pepper raised an eyebrow, as if thinking it through. "So, you slept with Tony and stayed friends, you can drink Natasha's insane concoctions and survive. There's only one explanation, you are insane."

"Surely there have been others to sleep with Tony and not care," Loki reasoned.

"Not nearly enough," Pepper replied with a shrug, downing the rest of her drink. "Well, if you aren't going to murder Tony I suppose that's it," she smiled, standing up and adjusting the strap of her handbag on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry, were you interviewing me or something?"

Pepper patted him on the shoulder, pursing her lips. "It's become basic protocol, unfortunately."

Loki let out a small laugh, nodding. "I see. Well, see you round Pepper."

"Apparently you will, yes. Let's hope their craziness doesn't rub off on you."

"That would be cause for worry. I'm crazy enough as it is."

"You seem sane enough," Pepper commented, pulling out her phone and sending what Loki assumed was a text. She was tapping away at the keyboard, at least.

"I'm very good at hiding it," Loki replied calmly, grinning.

Pepper laughed, placing her phone back in her bag and leaning down to kiss Loki on the cheek. "Bye, don't let Bruce and Clint mix any drinks while I'm out," she said cheerfully, turning and walking out of the bar.

Loki watched her leave before finishing his drink, standing up and placing it in the kitchen. The bar hadn't actually opened yet but he was here most of the time now anyway, they'd basically hired him. Well it wasn't exactly a job, he didn't serve people, but he was getting paid for tasting Natasha and Clint's drinks because, apparently, he was the only one insane enough to do it.

It didn't matter to him, though. He enjoyed it here, it was entertaining pretty much 24/7. He'd also started being included in the bets the group made about Tony. Currently they were betting on how long it would take before Tony made a move on the blond haired guy that had started coming in here far to regularly for someone that didn't drink much.

Loki was betting on a week. Tony had found out about the bet and sulked like a child for an hour.

"Shit, Bruce it's on fire! Fire!"

Loki sighed, poking his head into the room where the noise was coming from, after placing his glass carefully in the sink, and winced when he saw flames coming up from an old jacket that was lying on the floor. He would have been more worried but, really, this was like every other day at the bar. You got used to it.

As Pepper had once said, it was a miracle this place hadn't burnt down yet. Loki had at first thought it was an over exaggeration but now he was inclined to agree with her.

It was a miracle of some sort, definitely.


End file.
